The furthest I’ve ever lived away from my small, cozy home town in Illinois was downtown St. Louis when I lived with my daughter’s dad. I’ve relished in the comfort of a close-knit and safe community whose streets are lined with majestic old trees and homes in the heart of spring and summer while simultaneously feeling anxious and a bit depressive during the months when those same trees were bare and naked against gloomy skies, amid freezing temperatures in the late fall and winter.
Summers have always been spent in swimming pools, at water and amusement parks and at the local park for the incredible fireworks shows. I have spent days and evenings at my brother’s house playing washers and corn hole and made visits to the City Museum and Botanical Gardens regularly. Attending Cardinal baseball games and being in the magical presence of Busch Stadium is an experience like no other. So is the insane laughter that explodes from my entire being as I drop 150 feet on The Boss coaster at Six Flags. I love making s’mores and charring hot dogs and bratwursts over a fire in the pit in my backyard. Doing the same thing while exploring Bass River Resort with my brother, sister-in-law and kids has been one of my most cherished traditions every June for the last several years.
The back roads between my house and Edwardsville have been sanctuaries to me. I’ve spent nearly as much time pulled over on the side of them to photograph storms, birds and scenery as I have just driving them to get to the grocery store or Target. I’ve always loved the smell of grass being cut while cursing the pollen’s effect on my asthma and allergies at the same time. I love when flowers and trees bloom in spring and how lush everything is by summer.
I’ve vacationed in Las Vegas, Yosemite, San Francisco, Sacramento, and Florida. I’ve road tripped to Los Angeles and stopped in every state on my way there. I’ve been to Kentucky, Tennessee, and Georgia on a spring break trip to Panama City and I’ve been to Oklahoma and Texas to visit family. Most significantly, I’ve been up and down the highway 101 coast of Oregon for the last 17 years, thinking that one day it would become my forever home. It stole my heart in a way no other place ever had…until Arizona entered the permanent picture of my life. For as much as I’ve found comfort in and appreciated the first half of my life in the Midwest, I haven't felt comfortable here for quite some time. I’m being pulled in a new direction for change. There’s been a dull yearning for 5 years now, but I was uncertain of what exactly it meant or what I needed to do...where I needed to go. All I knew was that the faint nervous pit in my stomach and the discomfort and uneasiness became stronger and more vivid.
Still, I didn’t understand clearly.
My circle here is small but very special and very close to me. I once had a large and close-knit family that dissipated over time, especially since the passing of my grandparents. They were the glue. Two of my closest friends have also moved away who were once staples of my everyday routine and life. I had the most incredible childhood and young adulthood here...in my little safety net...but the last several years I have felt more and more out of place. Sad experiences and losing closeness to people I cared deeply for slowly became center stage and that's when the anxiousness deepened. I also began having countless dreams about being other places. In those dreams I remember being somewhat cautious yet excited to be wherever it was that I visited. It was a recurring dream in a recurring place...bright and sunny. There were tall buildings some of the time and other times, there was water. A beach. A boat. A trail through little grassy patches and bushes AT the beach. Every time I've had it, I've woken up with the same sense of peace and the literal desire to sleep the entire day away if it meant I could finish the dream and figure out where I was. With the uneasiness and anxiety came a growing curiosity to go somewhere else and experience life in a different surrounding. I wasn't sure where or when, and I wasn't even sure if I would ever actually do it but it was a thought that became more frequent and became a dull nag. In October of last year it became crystal clear...and here I am, understanding it all. It's people who make anywhere feel like home and that holds true for me and why I will now have two. If it wasn't for those people here, I would run without looking back. I have never done well with goodbyes of any kind and I never will. I also never use the word “never” except in these few sentences because I know it to be true. I’m quite familiar with myself and how I’m wired.
With my move coming so soon, I’m making the drive to work a little slower to absorb every inch of gold fields against green trees and blue skies decorated with white fluffy clouds that I can. I’m driving down my street a little slower to admire all the old Victorian homes that have been so loved and preserved over the years. They’ve been here since I was little girl and beyond. I’m enjoying walks at the park on breezy mornings with my daughter and Frisbee with my son in the evenings just before dinner. Change is sometimes scary, but it is so exciting at the same time. When life becomes stagnant, that’s the universe giving a necessary nudge. Mine had become a mixture of stagnant, anxious and sad other than my kids and my circle. They have been what's kept me sane and what's kept me going every single day. I love them more than every grain of sand on Earth. I’ll return often to see the majestic trees and eat sno-cones at the park in the summer. I'll spend time with my friends and family because the Midwest will always be my roots...corn fed and country-bred. What I'll be doing moving forward is experiencing a different kind of majestic green tree, new flowers, palm trees, and mountains against a backdrop of blue skies decorated with white clouds with a soul who has touched my own like no other ever has. I'll feel the calmness and the peace I've experienced on each trip for the last seven months. I'll be co-creating a new and second home in Arizona because two is better than one. I'll enjoy winters where the asthma and allergies that have burdened me for so long are nearly non-existent. I have flown to visit Arizona every month since November, and now those trips will be booked in reverse to visit the Midwest. I will be embarking on new and necessary adventures with someone who came from here too...someone who grew up just miles down the road. A kind of Sunshine who has been my biggest, most loving and amazing eye-opener, supporter, partner, friend, and love. I will be creating a sweet, beautiful life and journey for my kids, my friends, and my family to enjoy too. I'm not leaving; I'm expanding my area. My daughter is doing the same, as she looks to begin her independent life five hours away as well. It's an exciting and curious time for all of us and together; we will navigate it well. We will succeed in happiness and peace, love and we will be enjoying days that are appreciated and so worth experiencing. A saying I’ve seen repeatedly over the last several years reads, “Travel because your money will return – your time won’t,” and that resonates so true. In the next several weeks, I have plans to spend so much time with every sweet person in my carefully crafted circle. We will create more good memories to add to our collections and until I “see them next time,” because you see… Everything is figureoutable and I’ve gotten damned good at it. Sher