This was the most difficult chapter to write and it took many stops and starts before it was complete. It's uncomfortable to discuss hardships and the people involved in them but they are key points to the steps of this journey. Oddly, one of the most heart-wrenching details of this chapter of their lives was Lynn selling his Porsche that he spent so much time rebuilding. Its name was, "Domino." He's had many sports cars over the years that were gorgeous and that he adored but the Porsche was different. He had a connection with that car that went beyond what most would describe as normal. It was part of his soul and one of his most incredible and artistic accomplishments. There are plans set in stone to do it again but it won't be the same. What he has are photos and memories that are the driving force for him to do it again. The photo I'm using for this chapter is my own personal favorite after Domino's transformation and completion.
Once Lynn left the Midwest so much occurred and changed for them both. They promised to keep in touch, and they did. Sometimes weeks or months would go by before they would reach out to one another and other times only days would pass.
He was a good looking, talented and charismatic guy. He never had difficulty attracting women or entering relationships. What he did have difficulty in was experiencing a bond that was lasting, filled with trust, and comprised of equal give and take. He was engaged once after moving to Arizona and the relationship came to a halt three months before the wedding. He was in a six-year relationship at one point after that and it came to a halt as well just prior to an engagement. He lost a lot during that time frame… a Porsche he spent years rebuilding into perfection and sold in order to further their financial future as a couple. He spent so much energy and time ensuring that his girl was happy, and even moved to San Diego so she could attend school and pursue her career. He drove back to Phoenix on the weekends in his Porsche to continue working with his clients as a stylist to continue the mission of what he thought his future was with his girlfriend. One day, after a few months of realizing the inevitable end to this relationship, he left everything behind in San Diego and returned to Phoenix to start over. His Porsche was gone by this time, and a sense of his identity was gone to with a part of his heart when lack of faithfulness was the cause of their demise.
Sherry noticed when something happened with this one. Lynn was never big on social media to begin with, but he did have a Facebook account and he shared enough aspects of his life on there for her to get a sense of how he was doing in between their chats. Photos came down, posting became less frequent and finally, that account was deactivated entirely.
He called her. It was in the spring of 2015. He told her the entire story and her heart literally broke for him. He was intelligent, sweet, and considerate. He loved that girl so much and they seemed so happy. How could this happen? She never could wrap her head around it, but she wished she could, and she wanted to just hug him. He told her he had gone back to Phoenix to literally start over and that he needed to mend his life and his heart. She remembers wishing he would just come back home.
One back in Phoenix, he experienced different types of relationships. Some were sweet and short-lived, and some were not-so-sweet and short-lived. Others lasted a year or longer but came with the ever-present sense of uneasiness, lack of trust, and wondering too frequently where he really stood in comparison to someone else or just in general. That is a shitty feeling to experience one time, let alone daily for any period of time. A year long relationship of half-certainty ended in a decision of the woman to move on and marry another man. Other experiences before and after were mixtures of more half-assed efforts of simply appreciating and choosing another over him, and it hardened his soul. He became a little wiser and a little darker. No one enjoys feeling inadequate, being a secret or being placed on a back burner and left on lukewarm. He was no exception. His hope was to find something lasting, something real and something filled with reciprocal love. Someone to build a life with, wake up next to, work on projects and do the dishes with…someone to make dreams become a reality with. Sherry went through much of the same. When Lynn left, she was a single mom of a 3-year-old little girl. She knew that sweet little girl of hers would be the best filter for a decent human being of a man. It was sort of odd to date. She never wanted her little girl to be exposed to a man in her life unless he was serious so for the most part, she kept dating entirely separate than the mothering.
One relationship was rekindled with an ex. They dated just after high school and remained friends for eight years prior to giving things another try. It was a solid relationship filled with good times and familiarity, but it didn’t last past another two years. She dated a guy who was the lead singer of a popular local band and had an absolute blast. While they agreed to be monogamous, they also agreed not to get too serious because she wasn’t ready for that yet and he was focused on the future of the band. The agreement seemed fair and it was a whirlwind of music, drinks, friends, and long nights of laughs and partying. The relationship got more serious than either of them anticipated so it ended. Mutually.
She went on a few casual dates with other guys, but nothing amounted to much. There were many times she would look at herself in the mirror and - like Lynn - wonder if she would ever really know where she stood, if she would ever be enough, and if the nagging uneasiness would ever disappear. In 2006, she married a man she met in 2001. The relationship was a roller coaster of highs and lows for them both, while raising a family with her little girl and the sweet son they brought into this world. They went on yearly Oregon coast vacations, made a few moves, and evolved into a relationship that over time became calmer yet so distant, the two of them quietly and simply became roommates. Each of them felt content in some ways because they had been together for so long, but they were both extremely lonely. Did they simply exist as companions since the attempts to fix the marriage numerous times had failed, or do they divorce because they had grown apart so much? Other than respect for one another as parents, their existence was in-loveless. There were children involved, which always requires much to consider when making these decisions. One thing she knew was that one of the most important aspects of raising kids alone or with someone else is the kind of example being set and from which they learn. Kids need to see, feel and experience love, partnership, hard work, determination, patience, sincerity, honesty and most of all – literal happiness. He told her he just wanted her to be happy and she felt the same for him. No one deserves to feel empty or sad. No one. She was filled with a massive void. She became a robot who went through the motions of being an employee, a mom, a sister, and a friend. Dinner was always made or grabbed on a nearly exact schedule. She went to the gym at least 4 or 5 times a week after work. The house was tidied and cleaned every single day because she realized that it was the only thing she could really control. It also ensured that she could fall asleep in comfort instead of chaos. Fridays were dedicated to a few glasses of wine and getting five loads of laundry out of the way like clockwork. Saturdays were for fun and relaxation, spent on adventures with her son and daughter or visits to her brother’s house. Sundays were spent grocery shopping and prepping for the next week to do it all over again. She loved a routine in ways that represented being able to depend on something, but she felt like she was suffocating. She began having panic attacks in 2001 after an incident of being roofied and they continued at random intervals ever since. Some months or even entire years she would have none at all. Other times she would have them daily. It was debilitating and embarrassing so she tried hiding and controlling them the best she could. Maybe others knew anyway. Maybe not. Either way, they had returned with a vengeance.
She spoke to Lynn a few times during this twilight zone of a time. As always, his voice was sound and confident, speaking to her as a friend whose advice was to search her soul and discover what she needed in order to be herself again, to feel happiness. He was going through his own twilight zone existence – he voiced that to her. Regardless, he was the unwavering sound of reason to her and to himself. When he spoke, she could hear him speaking to her as well as to himself. He wasn’t one to offer advice he didn’t take on his own.
He was solid. Through everything, he was always solid. It was nice having a familiar voice from her past self and what seemed like a different lifetime, even if it was 1700 miles away and over a phone. This is how they were; there for each other with encouragement and support no matter what, with the type of sincerity they were always able to count on with one another. All of this emotional numbing string of events were leading them where they were meant to be. They just didn't realize that yet.