2019 began with a glass of wine and my Chromebook opened to this blog page. It began with me questioning some of the people I allowed back into my life. I also questioned those I allowed to remain in my life, who I deemed important at one time but I knew had only proven to contain nothing but toxicity. It began with an attitude of optimism despite a dull, nagging pit in my stomach that knew the answers to those questions. It began with the simple hope of a fresh and happy start as the date started over at 1.
"New year, new me...it's a fresh beginning...sunshine will replace clouds...the cold will dissipate with any anxiousness...and there is plenty to look forward to..." was the mindset I was intent on maintaining. I had vacations set in yearly stone that ranged from roughing it in the boot hills of Missouri for thee days to living like a beach-borne princess on the Pacific Northwest coast for two weeks.
I had a new beautiful home, random gorgeous flowers popping up all over my yard in the spring, and so many projects to look forward to. I had a basement to remodel, rooms to paint, walls to decorate, landscaping to plant and days planned at the pool in nothing but water and sunshine - which has always been my own simple little type of Heaven. I was even excited to cut my brand new yard full of grass on my riding mower...
Despite all of my silver lining finding and my ever-present positivity, everything felt off. I was sad and anxious more days than not. For all of the people I had in my life who loved me unconditionally, I was lonely. I read somewhere once that at one point or another, we face our biggest fears or worries. Mine has always - since I was a little girl - been loneliness. I battled like I never have before for nearly five solid years. I had been told so many times what a wonderful woman I was. I had been told I was beautiful. I had been told how wonderfully understanding and sweet I was and that I was amazing. I was told there was no one else like me and even on occasion that I was just too good for them so they let me go. Was that supposed to be flattering? What. A crock. Of cowardly shit. I was in a marriage that failed - by equal faults of our own - and that was holding on for the sake of family and children. While it was peaceful and we were best friends, it was in-loveless. It was robotic. Conversation was small talk. It was a matter of convenience and obligation as we both pushed onward, but we were so mutually unhappy inside, each deserving and wanting much more. There were days I was fine - I was always grateful enough for all of the blessings I've had - but there were so many more days when I felt like I was going crazy from the anxiety and panic attacks that became literally, physically debilitating. I couldn't really cry anymore and I was angry for becoming who I was...because it really wasn't me. This isn't who I thought I'd be at this age, or how I'd feel. I. Just. Wanted. To. Be. Happy. Simple enough, right? That's what everyone wants. Everyone.
I prayed about it every single day and not selfishly, or asking be given anything... I prayed for God to guide me...just guide me to what is right for ME and how to live my best life on this earth for myself and the people I love around me. I can't be a good mom, a good sister or a good friend if I'm not happy. "Please God," I said, "Show me what happy is. Show me what to do."
It was the same prayer for almost five years, every single night and sometimes in the mornings too... I took my life one single day at a time being patient and optimistic, looking for silver linings and allowing myself to truly be receptive to the concept of 100% guidance. I knew the answers would come when the time was right, no matter what that may have meant.
And suddenly it was Saturday, August 31st and one conversation changed every single thing in my life as I knew it...upside down and incredible in every way imaginable.
The cliches on love and relationships? They aren't cliches at all.
They were written because they represented truth to the authors. "A person's effort is a reflection of their interest in you." "Good things come to those who wait." "What's meant to be yours will be yours." "The best things happen when you least expect them." "Don't search for love because when it's right, it will find you." "When it happens, there will be no doubts - you'll just know." "Your soulmate is your lover AND your best friend." "Without trust, there is nothing."
It's amazing to smile so big I don't even realize I'm doing it until I catch myself in a mirror or someone asks me what I'm smiling about. It's amazing to know that a man is as interested in long conversations with me, spending time together, laughing and just sharing closeness as he is in any physical aspect of me.
It’s amazing to belly laugh so hard that my eyes water relentlessly and my sides hurt like I overexerted myself at the gym. It's amazing to count on a mini vacation every few weeks, except the times he comes back home, in the warmth and beauty of Arizona until things can become more permanent. It's also amazing to know that each trip entails the sweetest, most fun adventures. It's amazing to feel such a deep level of comfort, respect, sincerity, trust, commitment and peace. It's amazing to be genuinely cared for, to have doors opened for me because he is a gentleman and was raised with those standards. It's amazing to know there is no drama, no insincerity, no insecurity, nothing but the purest most loving intention. It's. So. Fucking. Calm. Loving. And peaceful.
It's amazing to literally giggle when we use FaceTime because all we do is sit there and stare at each other like goofy teenagers. It's amazing that no matter how far apart we are for just a few weeks at at time, it feels like we're always right there together. It's amazing to understand that we have known each other for 22 years...and have always remained in each other's lives... so closely and truly there for one another.
It's amazing that it all somehow has blossomed into the single most wonderful and happy relationship that I have ever known in my lifetime existence. It's amazing that words spoken audibly or written as text are so sweet, I literally cry to myself (while smearing mascara on my pillowcase) from happiness because I know the power and sincerity behind them. It's amazing to know that in a life filled with countless instances of betrayal and abandonment, there is someone who has blurred those haunting lines, filled those dark holes with sunshine, and infused my life with positivity, strength, sincerity in optimism and a bond that has proven to be unbreakable. There is a song titled, "Sweet" by a band called Cigarettes After Sex and if ever a tune and lyrics summed any of this up, that would be it.
I always have something to say and I am rarely speechless. Over the last three months, I have sat in my car, on the edge of my bed, or at my dining room table in complete silence more times than I even know because I HAVE been speechless. I cannot believe any of this is real or that it is happening to me. Then when I think about who it is I'm dealing with, I grin to myself and nod my head because it is entirely real. It is certainly happening to me, and I am only silent because there aren't enough words to express my thankfulness and happiness.
I still pray a lot.
I thank God.
He knows me. He knows my soul.
He knows my thoughts and my heart.
He knows my life.
No one - not one single person - happens to us by accident. Not the good ones, not the bad ones.
Life is a puzzle with every single piece fitting exactly where it's supposed to, even when it feels like we can't wiggle it in the right way. All that means is that we aren't trying hard enough.
It fits - it always fits - perfectly. Every single person in our lives - friends, family members, significant others - are either a season and a reason or they're a lifetime. The seasons and reasons teach us what we need to know, even if we don't like it and even if we don't wish to learn it at the time. They also give us things we need...including more pieces to our puzzle. I can't speak for others on this concept but I can say with 100% certainty that I know who is who, whether I always like it or not.
I am writing a story of the turn my life has taken and the journey that has begun. So far I have outlined the chapters...seven of them to be exact. That's a special number for us both so it is fitting. The story may be something I keep sacred between the two of us or it may be something I share because it's inspiring. It's way cooler than any Hallmark movie - although we could market it as one for sure. We talk about that often. It's the story of two people who met as a stylist and a client... the very first time spending over 4 hours perfecting a blonde who'd turned her hair the color of an African Violet...and who formed a friendship of everlasting closeness through trials and errors, broken relationships and shattered hearts, Porsche 911's, skies full of stars and unanswered wishes, small town USA homegrown solidity... and a Sunshine with his GG. I will keep you posted. - Sher