2018 was the birth of a whole new kind of life. I became strong in emotional and mental ways I never wanted or dreamed I would have to, and I did it without even realizing it was happening. I also learned a whole damned lot about myself, my threshold for pain and bullshit, who I did and did not want in my life, how much I realized I love a smaller and close circle rather than a large casual one, how to regain my deeply buried optimism, and what became my crazy sense of strength.
The year before left me with such deep scars, the hollowest voids and the emptiest feelings I had known up to that point, and I truly never thought I could or would recover. I felt like a shell of a person and never thought I'd feel or be entirely whole again. It's funny what your mind has the strength to do for you when you feel like a good day is just getting out of bed, putting clothes on, and functioning enough until it's time to close your eyes for sleep again. There were days when I didn't even want to look at myself in the mirror and only did it when I had to. When 2018 began, I had grown so tired of feeling low, so sad, so lost, so empty and so confused. I wanted to like myself again and love who I was. I wanted to appreciate and know again that I was worth it, I was important and I was actually an amazing freaking person. I also knew that to get out of the funk I was in, I had to force it. I had to drag, pull, reach and yank myself back to even a hint of who I used to be...who I really was underneath it all...who I was meant to be. The very first thing I did when that calendar struck January 1st was make a list. I got a physical piece of paper and a literal, actual pen and I sat down and wrote a list of everything I wanted to do and accomplish on the clean slate of a 365 day new year. I'm not a girl who sets resolutions but I am a girl who sets realistic goals, so that's exactly what I did.
I went to my second ever Opening Day for my favorite life-long baseball team, and I sat in boxed seats instead of cold bleachers this time. I tried new recipes, adventures and games on our annual camping trip with my brother and my sister-in-law. I explored and absorbed spontaneous new places on my visit to the Oregon coast. I made wishes on actual falling stars. I stopped during and after some of the most wicked, crazy storms on the back roads with my son just to take pictures. They're some of the best I've ever gotten. I spent one of the best weekends of my life with my daughter sitting by a bonfire on a wooden bench by the Missouri River, eating the best Pad Thai I've ever had that was made from scratch in a little silver camper that's permanently parked there, by a woman who barely spoke English. I sat outside until late at night as many times as I could just to absorb the summer air, look at that sky, and remind myself how small I really was in a universe that's so damned big. I went to the gym on a regular basis and I took walks as often as I could. Nature is grounding. I spent the time and money actually going to the movies - sometimes multiple visits to see the same one again and again - just because I felt like it. I dressed up as a superhero with my son for Halloween because no one is ever too old for costumes or for fun. I reached out to friends I'd been bitter towards for what seemed like ages because peace feels so much better than war. I wrote and blogged and wrote some more through an empty and broken heart, crying while typing each and every word half of the time, until I felt and knew I got everything off of my chest to the point where I finally began to feel a release. I got my lips done at the end of summer because I'd never done it before...and I love it. I spent at least one or two days a week, every week during the summer, at the crazy and overpriced water park near my house with my kids and one of my best friends because I wanted to and I could. I spent my birthday at the City Museum on the roof at night with my kids, their friends and my family because that is one of our city's very coolest places and it's one of my favorites. I started a vlog with my son on YouTube that will never make us rich or famous but has been so much fun anyway. I moved on and left old people and places behind - I moved figuratively and literally - because it was time. And then...as life goes and luck would have it...some of what I was healing from came rolling right back around. Was it meant to test my new strength? Was it there to nudge me about lessons I already learned? Or was it happening to remind me that who and what is supposed to be in my life really is going to be in my life regardless? Where there is a will there is always a way for what's meant to be. That has been a fact since the very beginning of time. I smile a lot again. My heart feels happy.
It's crazy how life happens. It's crazy how the hills of this roller coaster we're all on come and go, some high and some low, but they always flip your stomach. They always make you catch your breath. They also always make you wonder and make you think what a fucking sometimes crappy yet sometimes glorious ride it all really is... - Sher