She'd say... She believed you. Really she did, promise. She wishes she would've convinced you of that. It wasn't doubt she had, it was fear. She just needed reassurance a lot. She actually was an optimist, which was connected to believing you, which is also connected to why she held on so tightly for so long, and stuck by your side. It was all one big thing, just with little separate parts.
She hates all the times she got so angry, and she regrets every one. Fear had a really strong hold on her, and she hates that too. She'd lost so many people she loved and she didn't want to lose you. Being that scared always made her react so quickly, and her fear came out as defensiveness and anger. She didn't know what other option she had, but she wished she knew.
She tried deleting her diary apps the other day. Her finger was paralyzed and she couldn't, so she read them instead. That was probably a mistake but at this point, who is really counting. She stopped a lot because she cried so hard she couldn't even see anyway. She also stopped a lot because looking at it all was a flashback so fast, so hard it really kind of knocked the breath out of her. It was bittersweet though. She hadn't opened those apps in over a year. Every entry was a snapshot of every single happy, funny, sweet, loving, amazingly perfect word, and it became her favorite collection that represented it all. Those are her memories, the good parts, the parts that mattered and kept her going, and the parts that always will. It's confusing as hell but it's also the clearest representation that something was real...something was...and it was what she latched so hard onto. Certain songs get skipped over. Certain roads don't get driven past and even certain towns are completely avoided because... it still sucks.
She can't even look at a fucking goose. Or a pond.
Other roads and areas and towns have to be driven past because there's no other option, but that sucks too. It's annoying. Do you feel that way? Some people have faucet feelings and can turn things on and off just like that. She was always kind of jealous of those people. She wishes she could do that. Or does she? Actually, that would suck too. She’d rather have feelings.
She's not the same person she used to be. It changed her. She went from feeling like everything to feeling like absolutely nothing. She got to the darkest place she'd ever been in her life, and it scared her. She didn't know who she was, where she was going, what she was doing, or if she even had a purpose at all. She felt completely worthless. If she had a purpose, she wouldn't be so easily discarded by any person who ever just threw her away but...she understood that specific part of you then. Finally she really did. She undersood that specific darkness in the truest sense. It was only then that she empathized 200%...and it hurt her. For you. She hated that you ever, ever felt that way because it truly is excruciating, literal mental and emotional hell.
She's grateful you trusted her in ways you trusted no one else. Every single letter of every word you told her in confidence is locked away. One thing she's good at is promises. She does keep them. She doesn't think you played any kind of game. She knows your intentions were good. She knows your heart was real. She also knows you were woven so deeply in such a messy web that you wanted to get out of, and she wanted to help you out of, but she just couldn't. And she's not mad... She's not. Maybe she could have tried harder, or maybe it wouldn't have mattered if she did. She doesn't really know. She still thinks you're beautiful. She still thinks you've got a golden heart. She still thinks you're so smart on a specific kind of genius level to figure out things that to her, are always going to be a wild crazy tangled mess of wires and confusion. The ring you fixed that she accidentally flattened is still a tiny bit crooked but it fits, and she's still thankful you did that 'cause she does wear it every day. She wishes you could've fixed her eternity bracelet too but in all honesty it's sort of amusing that it's one thing that got broken...in the bubble of all places...and no doubt as the curse of a crazy damned goose, so...it's okay. No big deal.
In the wonder of all wonders, the big one is why. She doesn't know the purpose of why she went through so much for it to turn out how it did. What...was the purpose of it all...for her??? She's been hung up on finding that answer every day since it happened. It still kinda mostly blows her mind 'cause it was real. Wasn't it?
Maybe, as an optimist, it was just to show her what pure, unconditional love was, and that it really does exist in this crazy fucked up world, cause she had absolutely zero conditions. None. Even if it was scheduled. Even if it was in a bubble. Even if it slipped right away. She'd relive all those days a hundred times if she could because she was happy. She really was. It still makes her happy that she ever made you happy...that she "made you look at things differently and made you want to be a better person." She's glad that at some point, she was your "light at the end of a really dark tunnel." That holds some weight and means the world to her. It always will. How are you? She still gets a lumpy throat, feels sad, and gets a worried stomach wondering if you're stressed like you've always been. It still makes her cry and wish she still had a chance to just hug you really tight. That made everything bad disappear.
She was happy to see you finally got your truck. You'd waited so long and it made her grin and nod her head. Kudos for that. You deserved it. Do you sleep better yet? She hopes so. Do you still get really bad heartburn? She hopes not. Are you less stressed out? She hopes so. Are you comfortable? She hopes so. Do you feel appreciated? Do you feel loved? Is life an equal balance? Are you finally really happy? She hopes so. With all sincerity, she does.