If You Never Read Anything Else I Write...

I saw something the other day that I absolutely cannot get out of my head. That's because I feel like it's the truest three sentences I have ever read, and they apply to every single freaking one of us on some level, in some way.

"If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." I feel like a freak a lot of times because I think I am really, truly the world's biggest worrier. I worry so much, I even worry about worrying. I've let it kinda cripple me mentally and emotionally, and I hate it. Most nights I don't sleep without having to take something. My body wants to rest and my brain wants to dance on a ledge and will not chill the hell out to let that happen. The last 16 years have blessed me with wonderful occurrences called panic attacks. Sometimes they've been entirely non-existent and sometimes they were so present I couldn't even leave my house to go to the grocery store because I would get so dizzy, I felt like I was going to black out. There were two times when I actually did.

Aside from anxiety and panic attacks, I'm sad a lot. Most of my sadness comes from missing and wanting stuff I no longer have. I miss people. I miss things. I miss places. I think this is why I'm such a nostalgic person. I love anything and everything that reminds me of all that is good. Music. Smells. Food. The air. Yes...even the air. Why am I like this? Genetics? Experiences? Choices? Luck? Lack thereof? It's totally a combination of it all, and I totally have the ability to change it around. What is stopping me? My freaking self. I'm stopping me. When I read that quote and realized days later that it was still so heavy in my head, I decided to think about it for real and break some things down. I'm a specific kind of organized chaos as a person, so naturally I wanted to come up with lists. The problem is that I couldn't. There were no lists, because every single bit of it all boiled down to one word: People.

I spent a lot of time the last few days thinking very long and hard about who I've allowed to play leading roles in my life from the very best to the very worst. I've thought about what I've learned, what I've dismissed, and what I've kept. I thought about who I started out to be and how that has transformed into who I am today. I thought about the parts I've loved and the parts that are still so painful, I cry even typing the end of this sentence.

I don't want depression or anxiety to have even a small part of my life or my story. I also want to be able to truthfully say that I am the one who kept them away as a result of being honest with myself, breaking down my own barriers, cutting through my own bullshit, and practicing what I read and preach. It's time to get real.

People ...They only do to us what we let them.

This is a motto I've blabbed about for years, but I can't say I've always practiced it. I need to. Do you?

Our interactions with other people play the single, biggest, most important role in anything to do with depression or anxiety. Interactions are where we get our self-esteem, feelings of worth, validation, appreciation, adoration, love, growth in heart and mind, and contentment. It's where we find our peace. Human beings need each other...even the loners who say they need no one. The catch is that we only need the positive people as the ones who last. The negative people are only meant to learn from, because then it's time to move on.

If we think about who we spend the most time with, what does it look like? If the following things describe those people, I guarantee there's a decent amount of depression and anxiety. We've got to either minimize or eliminate the leading-role positions of them in our lives.

Why?

Because we cannot grow in toxicity. They cannot grow in toxicity. Nothing can grow in toxicity. Nothing.

They talk to us like shit. They blame us for all things bad.

They make everything about themselves...every conversation, every life goal, every everything.

They give us ultimatums.

They dangle things we love over our heads.

They keep us living in a constant state of worry and guilt. They tell us we owe them. They love us only conditionally, because life is always on their terms. They know what buttons to push, and they push them often. Intentionally.

They manipulate things to suit their own needs or desires.

They leave us with regrets, wondering why the f*** we ever went along with any of their ideas in the first place.

We're an afterthought, a second best option, a phone call or a text, only if they're bored. Our opinions only matter after theirs, if they ever matter at all. They aren't open to who we really are inside out, and all the way around.

There are things we can't tell them or show them because they will judge us. They will make us feel inferior. They will think we're weird. They take the most personal aspects of who we are and use them against.

We are only half-here when we're with them. The other half is somewhere else.

What kind of relationship, friendship or family interaction is any of this? It's a heavy, burdensome, lonely and sad kind. Why are we allowing any of it? Why are we sabotaging ourselves?

Not enough stress can be placed on the truth and importance of cutting negative people and all of this bullshit out of our lives. If the effect of other people keeps us feeling weighed down, angry, stressed out, or is half of a bad and endless financial situation, and makes us realize that we just literally do not mesh - they need to go.

We need to go.

This is the eye opening part, the part where we might need to grow a set because it's going to get hard, the part where that honesty with ourselves takes front and center...That's because some of the people we need to let go are the very last ones we would ever think of.

Why?

Because they're a habit. They're a rotten, bad, stifling, going-absolutely-nowhere-endless circle-of-negativity habit. "But they're family!" or, "I've been best friends with them since 300 B.C.!" or, "They're the father/mother of my kids!" So?

It's all bullshit.

We have to ask ourselves this:

Is it legit?

Can we trust them? With everysinglemotherfreakingthing about us? Can we feel comfortable and never embarrassed, ashamed, silly, weird or stupid?

Do they really love seeing us happy and watching us succeed?

Do we fight or disagree more than we get along?

Are their words more hateful or are they more loving? Do they build us up or keep us down?

Do they really, truly know us inside out with our loves, fears, obsessions, best moments, and lowest points?

Do they love us unconditionally in spite of it all? Or not?

Do we feel any shred of doubt with them whatsoever?

All of this goes both ways, so we have to flip the coin and ask ourselves the same questions regarding them. That is where we will see the truth and find our answers. It may not be what we expected or wanted to see, but take it for what it is. It's real and it's there. Finally, we have to remind ourselves of these three things... Being blood related does not mean people are good for each other. I have family members I do not talk to. I love them...but I love them from afar. It's okay. Being best friends with someone since the beginning of time doesn't mean people are good for each other. I have friends I spent time with every single day for years who are only acquaintances now because we grew apart. It happens. It's okay.

Making a child together doesn't mean people are good for each other. My daughter's dad and I served one purpose for each other, and it was creating her life. He and I stifled one another together and grew in ways so much better for us both, apart. It's okay.

There are circumstances we cannot control and never saw coming. We are genetically engineered in very specific ways. We make choices and as a result, we make outcomes. We will be lucky and unlucky and we will all, at some point, fall as hurting victims to randomness but there is so much we can direct and steer in a direction that is right and good for us. We will realize it's right and good because we will feel it in a way that we just know. There's no depression because the bad parts of the past are gone. There's no anxiety because there is nothing to worry about. You see, taking steps in that direction is the surest way to the happiest tomorrows and forevers...

Let's go.

-Sher