...became a mom. I wish I knew it could be as easy as I chose to make it without any strict book of rules to follow. There are so many rules...too many rules. The first time around I read a handful of how-to-this-and-that-right and how-to-do-this-and-that-wrong. I got a few helpful tips out of those books but I realized they're mostly BS and that the actual rule is you-do-what-works. If my infant screamed like hell in her bassinet and wanted to sleep the first three months of her life strapped in her car seat because she was comfy, that's how I let her sleep. If I wanted to put a pinch of rice cereal in her bottle at three weeks because she acted like she was starving and because I wanted to sleep at night, that's how I fed her at bed time. If my relationship with her father was a toxic environment for myself, for him and for her and my gut instinct told me that it may be best to rock the single mom life, my gut is what I listened to and it was healthier for each of us after all. I wish I knew that craving and eating two sugary syrup-drenched shaved ice cups a day the last six months of pregnancy with my son was really nothing to worry about. I wish I knew that having a little boy was going to be just as simple and as fun as the little girl I was used to the first time around. I wish I knew that those first three months of sleeping would not be in a bassinet either, and that being strapped in a bouncy seat was clearly as comfortable as sleeping in a car seat. I wish I knew the obvious in that each of my kids, from pregnancy, to delivery, to infancy, to growing up, could and would be so similar yet as different as night and day. If anything; it's kept me on my toes.
I wish I knew the answers for the heart-to-heart talks I'd have about crushes on boys and crushes on girls, about confidence at school or the lack thereof, about bullying and about being leaders instead of followers. Really, I've taken it as it's come. It's made my underarms sweat and made me hide in the bathroom alone and cry a few times, but I've winged it the best I could. From what I can tell, I'm doing okay and that's all I can ask for. I wish I knew how much pride, hope and love I'd have for people I was half responsible for creating. I wish I knew that I'd watch them sleep sometimes when they were tiny and not-so-tiny, and think to myself that they're so full of potential to be part of what makes this world a good and better place. They hold the future in their hands.
...went to college.
I wish I knew it wasn't really necessary. For some people it really is, but for me it really wasn't. I loved school...I always loved school. I loved being an art minor, I loved being taught and mentored by professors from all over the United States and the world because they made some of the biggest, longest lasting impacts on my life. It was a chapter of my journey. I am grateful, but it was never really necessary. I've ended up in the same field I began in, and for all of its irony I just grin. I grin because time and again my gut told me one thing and I did another but that's okay. I learned from learning. I learned that from middle school on, we're primed to have a path planned out and a set goal for our lives. Some of us are born knowing what we want to do, how we want to do it, and when. There's so much pressure and to be honest, it can be extremely stressful. Some of us really just don't have a single damned clue and you know what? That's okay! Shit...it's okay. I can say that 18 years old, fresh out of high school is a time of growth. It's a time of self-discovery. It's about finding a passion. Finding a passion is the real path because it leads to what we love. If we do what we love, careers aren't simply jobs. Careers are happy. College can get us there, trade schools can get us there, simple ideas and hard work even without further schooling can get us there. Finding our passion is the key to any real success.
...freely gave anyone advice. I always have been and always will be a person to lend an ear, give a hug, or offer empathy. Anyone who knows a single thing about me knows that, even when I shouldn't. I care, sometimes too much I guess, but I'm a helper so it's how I'm wired. I give advice when asked and even when I'm not, but I've slowly learned that it's a lot of spent time that was largely wasted. Advice is pointless and meaningless if it goes no further than my voice on the phone or in person, or than my keystrokes sent in a text. Advice also only goes as far as how the person on the receiving end chooses to use it. What I'm getting at is that advice is really just... bullshit.
Advice tells others what to do, but why? As human beings, we will observe, listen to and learn from others, but ultimately we're going to do what we want to do regardless. Opinions are another story. Give those freely.
...grew up.
I always had a silly, delusional idea of what being an adult would be in regards to relationships, family, having kids, and careers when I was little. I had very specific thoughts of how grown-up life would work in general. I may or may not have watched too many "stories" and sitcoms with my grandma, and that may or may not have had anything to do with it. I've always been a dreamer and I've always believed in the fairy tale versions of it all. Being a dreamer is being an optimist and that is okay. Fairy tales are always happy so that's okay too. What I've paid close attention to along the way is who and what has crossed my path and the reasons behind them all. Reality has mixed with the dreaming to create the formula of understanding that I actually am learning now what I wished I knew way back when.